Everyone thinks something. Here are some of my thoughts, updates are sporadic

31st of January 2025

Hey everybody. So I've been going through the wringer lately. I've been close to a flare up all week, the dysphoria is really bad at the moment and obviously with the political situation, both all over the world and here in germany specifically I've just been in a weird headspace lately. So I haven't really mentioned this at any point but I'm not medicaly transitioned at all. I'd like to but I'm not currently in a situation where that is my highest priority, or where that can be my highest priority because I don't need more strain on my body than existing causes me as is right now, as much as I hate that. And I think that's a factor in why the dysphoria has been so much worse since I learned that the two most openly transphobic parties here in germany are probably going to get the vote and are open to working together to have the majority. Because I fear that with the situation I'm in, with my chronic illness, with the already complicated treatment for that, I might never get to realise myself, I might never get to be in a body I can stand looking at. Hells, they're trying to repeal the self identification act so even my plans of changing my markers and legal name when I get out of the horrendously conservative town I'm currently stuck in might go out of the window. It makes me sick. Sick and mad. Mad at the system trying to take away rights and medical care, mad at my mother who didn't react to me coming out when I was 14 by going 'oh, let's wait like a year at most and then get you medical care' but instead by going 'fine as long as you don't go chopping yourself up'. And I know she's not transphobic, she's just seen too much fear mongering about surgery complications but fuck's sake. I could be several years into my transition by now. And instead here I am. It sounds fucking stupid but it feels like I'm about to have a dream of a life ripped out of my hands. I'm of course not saying that one needs to medically transition to be trans, but I'm saying that I'd quite like to not have dysphoria to this extent. I don't even know where this is going, really, I genuinely don't know, I guess it just needed out. Thanks for reading anyway. Or maybe nobody is reading this and I'm just screaming into the void.

14th of January 2025

Well, happy new years everbody, I should have probably updated with a new years blog post sooner but oh well. I hope all of you are well or at least doing better than me right now because quite frankly? I've been a mess lately. Just really low on spoons and flooded with medical appointments and flare ups and tanking mental health so my last few weeks have been mostly consistent of me trying to distract myself. I recently watched arcane, fandom page update on that soon because oh boy do I have some thoughts (and I do realise how horrid of an idea it was to watch that while already emotionally fucked, I didn't know and then the sunk-cost-fallacy kicked). Otherwise I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. On identity and pain and love and politics, I've realised that the guide to anarchist action should be further up on my list of priority for updates, I might start putting some bits from a larger writing project I've got going on my writing page since it's looking like while it'll be a coherent narrative I'll end up with a bunch of self contained pieces that fit together... What else... well the US elections are over and I'm, as always, miffed by the fact that the elections of one of the most broken countries in the world (ignoring the fact that countries as a system are broken to begin with), have such a big influence on all other parts of the world, especially europe. We also have elections coming up in germany, if you didn't know, our parliament was recently dissolved so we'll have a round of elections in early february and I'll be honest, between one of our big publications literally publishing an article by Elon Musk who advocated for the AFD (who, if you don't know are so faschist that our gouvernment is investigating them and that the french faschists in the EU parliament don't want to work with them), the general rise in faschism and one of our biggest parties spouting talking points about abolishing the newly created self identification law that allows trans folks to more easily change their gender marker on their documents and creating a register of mentally ill people for "security reasons", I, quite frankly, am scared. I talk a lot about being on the left, about resistance and about how stupid gouvernment is in general, I am fairly loudly an anarchist and queer and about how it's important to be loud, but I'll be honest: I am terrified for both myself, my friends and people at large. I am scared that in 50 years there will be talk about how "nobody could have seen the rise of faschism coming" again, I am scared and I am angry and I am frustrated because due to my physical limitations of being chronically ill I can do very few of the things I would like to do to attempt and change any of it. Like I said, my guide to anarchist action will be updated soon, if you are here in germany and you are elligible to vote I ask of you that you please do that and while I won't outright tell you who to vote for I do ask that you try not to vote the faschos in (that is both AFD and Union) and if you are a person who is in a more physically fit state than me in general I ask you to get out there. Stay safe but be loud. Be openly leftist. Go to demonstrations, volunteer, donate to charitable causes, find your local leftist organisations and get active. And I don't want to hear about how "oh but they have a different oppinion than me". We have a common cause at the moment, that is the most powerful thing we could have. We are all fucked by a system that is only being made worse with authoritarianism and corruption on the rise like they are so I don't care if you're a non defined leftist, a commie, a marxist, an anarchist, or whatever else, go and organise. Hells, if you really want to get into it, right now is the time to raise class conciousness and radicalise even people who aren't staunchly on the left. Or perhaps not radicalise them but get them to help on a common cause. Because nobodly likes faschists, nobody likes authoritarians. Because it is a pattern that repeats itself through out history that when trans people, POC and cis queer folk are threatened it never stops with just us. First they come for us, then they come for you. First the queers, then the women, first POC then jews. First "radicals" and "threats to the gouvernment" then anyone who doesn't bend to the regime. You get the point.

Right, deep breath, sorry if that got a little heavy there but it needed to be said. Either way I hope you are safe, I hope you're in less of a state than me, go have some food, go drink some water, remember to take your meds, maybe make yourself a cup of tea or hot cocoa, wear a mask, do something you enjoy and stay safe.

Love, Sascha.

1st of October 2024

So much for updating frequently but oh well. Life had been pretty busy but things have been on the up lately. I finally finished all the altars because I'm on a bit of a deity work kick today (I'll probably write something on it on the Main altar) so yeah. Having some grape juice as a devotional act/offering to dionysus right now and might devote some cup noodles to Loki later (the lid is green lol) so that's my general mood today. In other news we finally got an avatar for school going so I can actually sit in some lessons again (please look up the AV1 it's really cute), so I've been pretty happy about that. Haven't actually been in like a year and a half so that's nice.

23rd of August 2024

Been a hot second but hey, I'm back and intent on finishing this version of the site by finally making the altars :]. In other news I'm currently on holiday visiting some family and fuck, I missed being in the city. Everything is so close and that's great. Besides the city I'm in right now is a lot more accessible than what I'm used to so I can actually do things and that's great. I'll probably be updating a little more at the moment, so you can look forward to that. And do let me know if you want anything on this site via the guest book, I do check it.

22nd of July 2024

Fuck I feel horrible today. Well not just today, been feeling absolutely miserable for a bit now since I've been in a constant loop of doctor's appointments, and school stuff and crashes and the ed (no I won't go into detail) is kicking up again and I just... well I'm a year older now, had my birthday on july second, got a fancy new walking stick among other things (it's carved to have a flamingo head, it's great) but I've just been exhausted. I swear. at the moment the only thing keeping me half way sane right now is my partner (and oh gods they are so incredibly amazing) and just... yeah. I'll probably go write some comfort fics or stories when my brain lets me and actually post them on here for once. Idk, it's just been a bit messy. Gonna try drag myself out of this hole, the current round of doctor's appointments is going to be through this thursday so not having an appointment in a city 3 hours away every week should help.

I hope you're doing better than I am and if not I hope it'll get better soon, you've certainly got my support. Love, Sascha <3

29th of June 2024

So is it just me or is the world getting blander? Like don't get me wrong, we're all in our little bubbles and aesthetics and the ones I got stuck with are fun but then you go outside. And everyone is wearing beige and every new building is basicall just a box and gods forbid you try buying clothes offline in a shop that isn't specialised to more 'out there' looks or whatever because everything is fucking beige and black. Everything is owned by the same six coperations and I swear to the gods I will scream the next time something I use a lot or see a lot simplifies their logo again. And it's not like the internet is getting better, I mean look at anything but neocities? Tumblr is simplified if you don't open someone's blog specifically, twitter is... a mess in itself, youtube is... well the design is fine but I want the dislike ratio back, fuck's sake discord charges you for customisation options. And don't get me started on the fucking ads. Seriously, don't, I'm not gonna do it either because I don't want to spend hours on writing this. And yeah, there's a bunch of plug ins or whatever that'll work, I highly recommend the old twitter one on firefox, not that I use twitter a lot. But I don't want to be stuck with three gazillion plug ins. What else, oh yeah, movies. And tv. It's designed for either a very specific nieche and will be dropped after half a season or you get a 5 movie minimum franchise with the most milktoast and bland characters and plots because 'how dare we alienate some viewers, we need broad mass appeal'. Alternatively they dig some beloved property up to fuck it up royaly. Like Dune. I love the books, I liked the really old movie adaptation but the new two? It's beige:the movie and I don't just mean the colour scheme. I want an unhinged plot with questionable practical effects that will flop like anything critically but end up beloved by audiences, I want musicals that aren't adaptations or highschool plots, I want camp. But no it's all beige. And I'm not saying that everything was better some number of decades ago, it wasn't, but fuck's sake, we live in a world that has so much potential. The internet means that every bit of nieche media has the potential to find the right people, we could technically just abolish and automate most work and we could establish ubi, we could feed everyone. But no. We have late stage capitalism and mind numbing beige.

Sorry for this rant, it just needed out. And where better to put it than this place, I guess. Hope you all had a nice month.

14th of June 2024

I really need to update more again lol, but for now I've been pretty busy with medical stuff and with trying to keep up with school. It's been going alright so far, but nothing too big. Generally there is not a lot to update you lot on, well happy pride month anyway. I'll try update more often, make more of a habit of it but yeah. Love, Sascha <3

28th of May 2024

Blog update, woo! It's been a while because I had a ton of life stuff to do but I might get back into updating more often again. I just kind of want to talk about something and this seems like the best space to do it, that's what this website is for. So June is approaching which means that it's CSD time in my area and I was pretty sad to find out that the city closest to me is not having a CSD this year. Or probably at all for a pretty long time because our queer group organising those couldn't get funding dissolved. And I'm kind of sad about that because that means that if I want to go to a queer event (I don't like going to bars for personal and accesibility reasons) I have to travel over an hour by car/train (for which I need help) and if we're just talking CSDs I'd have to travel even longer than that because the area it's held in in the next city that does have one isn't acessible for me (cobblestone and a steep hill where as the local spot was flat). I couldn't go last year because I was physically too sick and I couldn't take it and it's just frustrating that while I could go to one health wise I still can't because of lack of accessibility and a queer group not being able to get funding they should by all means have gotten from the city council (they did try to crowdfund but we're a small conservative area so that didn't work either). I just... it would have been one of the few ways I could have gotten out there and safely socialised and had fun without having to worry about getting slurs thrown at me or whatever and sure I still get out but it's hard to connect with people if you're mostly homebound and even when you can get out you're in a shitty conservative town in fucking nowhere southern germany. It's frustrating. It's really fucking frustrating.

29th of April 2024

Okay, so I'm still flooded with medical apointments, but I do have some time and relatively much brainspace and motivation today so I'm playing around with the digital altars, for now they'll be pretty bare bones, I think, but hey, we're getting somewhere and that's what matters. Uhh, what else, oh, here's something not all that fun, our bathroom sink broke. So that's been a nightmare of it's own, because while we still have the kitchen sink and one with the toilet neither of those are great because one is filled with dirty dishes and the other is tiny (first world problems, lol). So yeah, let's hope we can get that fixed soon. Eh, we'll see and I'll manage.

24th of April 2024

So I've been thinking about a bunch of stuff lately (including getting into witchcraft again :]) and aside from that I've been busy with medical stuff (still am) so updates won't be getting much quicker anytime soon. But of course I will still update and I'm going to work on a couple new pages so you can look forward to that. Also I'm going to probably re do the anarchy guide so that can go back up but no promises on how quick that'll be. I've had a lot less brainfogg lately so if that's a trend I'll work on this more but we'll see. Also switched primary doctors for the long covid bullshit and they're planning on putting me through a bunch more tests so hey, maybe we'll figure something out. So yeah, that's been my life lately, I hope you're having a good day.

11th of April 2024

So I did update the site to make editing for myself easier, basically I did a bunch of CSS fuckery with iframes, unfortunately it did cost me the different backgrounds for different pages, but I think it's worth it. It makes it a lot easier and neater to edit and add new pages so yeah. Also means I might start writing a bit more for the writing and trances bits of the site but we'll see (I still have to get over writer's block and horrible uncreativity lol, if you want to see any kind of induction please let me know via the guest book). Anyway, that's a small update from me, hope you're doing well <33

10th of April 2024

So hey everybody, I'm back, spent a bit of time focussing on school stuff rather than updating the website but I'll be honest, I can only stare at text analysis and function graphs for so long so here we are. Still don't have anything all that interesting to say, the weather's beeing weird which isn't helping my symptoms (like we had 27°C yesterday and like 12 today) but aside from that nothing interesting. I'm thinking of doing some more writing or something, we'll just have to see how long I can sit down and do that without my brain giving up. So that's that. Hells, maybe I'll put the short stroy that's the reason for the name of the site up but I still need to edit and possibly rewrite that because it's old and bad so that might take a hot second but yeah. I'm also really tempted to overhaul the aesthetic for the site...

24th of March 2024

So, hey, everybody, that was a bit of an absence but you know how it is by now. Anyway, on the last post: I didn't manage to convince them but that's chill of course. What else... well easter is coming up, the spring equinox has passed, I hope everybody is doing okay during the holidays. I'm probably going to get some spoke covers for my wheelchair sometime soon, currently I just have some fairy lights wrapped into the spokes but that looks a bit messy and there are some really pretty spoke covers. Oh, also I'm going to write another little thing like the anarchy page about piracy and how to enjoy media with problematic creators/ media that is only available via fucking stupid streaming services withough supporting them and why that's important so you can look forward to that. I also might add a navigation bar to all pages if I really get into the flow but that's a big maybe. So yeah, I'm just kind of tired at the moment, can't really move from the couch right now because I did things(tm) yesterday and crashed but hey, it'll be okay, I'm sure of it. Hope everyone's doing okay and if you're not I hope it'll get better soon <33

2nd of March 2024

I feel like shit, but hey for once the brainfogg isn't killing me so I might be able to get some writing or something like that done. I've got all these ideas and I need to finally sit down and just write them, I swear. And a lot of them feel like they deserve more than just words on a page, but I suck at visual arts (especially animation), I can barely code and I'm sure as all hells not putting myself through the dysphoria of doing anything in front of a camera right now. So writing it is, not that I mind that much. I mean I might be able to throw something together in twine, but we'll see. Anyway, that's that. Idk, we'll see. Maybe I'll make Vex 2.0 or a different Ghost project I've had floating around in my brain, but that depends on if I can sit down and code for long enough. Aaaaa, you know that thing where you have so many ideas in your head they kind of clog up and you can't get anything good out? It's like my brain is a bottle of glue that was left open so it's clogged up and nothing will come out. Oh well, making a bunch of "bad" stuff in hopes to get that clog out it is I guess.

24th of February 2024

I just noticed that I started most updates with some apology for not posting as often as I could be, lol. Anyway this is just a small update, I'm currently waiting for my embroidery floss to arrive for that project I'm working on that I mentioned. But I don't really order my craft supplies of Amazon and it's the weekend so it'll take a while to get here. And I know, I know, it's one hell of a first world problem but still. I'm used to having a craft store in my sitty little town but they changed their open times so I have to wait until wednesday either way. I'm really excited though, I have an old labcoat from a costurme that I'm planning to embroider to use as a jacket when it gets a little warmer because I think it's funny. Like making patches and doing embroidery is just so fun and it gives me something to do with my hands which is nice. Besides the concept of a "battle labcoat" is just fucking hilarious to me so that's that.

Uhh, what else, oh yeah, I spend some time tutoring at the moment, it's about an hour a week which is doable and it's a lot less taxing to me than actually sitting in class and I just love how the kid I'm tutoring didn't even once ask about my wheelchair but rather about why I was wearing a mask. So I explained to him that even a common cold can wipe me out for days and his immediate reaction was "oh, should I wear a mask too next time then". If you ever plan on having kids raise them to be like that with disabled people please? I've had enough people ask really invasive and disrespectful questions by people who should know better. To be fair he's the son of a physiotherapist so he's probably at least seen a disabled person before but still. By the way this is also why we need more disability representation in media (including kids media) that isn't just "he's paralysed so he's in a wheelchair but it's fine because he's a genius". If people see disabled people more casually represented when they are young it becomes normal to them rather than "weird" or inspiration porn. Anyway, that's that ramble. Hope you have a good day <3

9th of February 2024

So hey everybody! Been a while, hasn't it? Yeahhhh life happened. But hey, I'm back, I've got some ideas and I have motivation again so wooo! For one I've recently discovered the wonderful world of desktop buddies which has been a really fun thing to play around with since I spend a lot of time on the computer lately (got to get my school stuff somehow lol) and what can I say? I like little digital toys! So here goes the ramble:

Generally there are two types of what I'd call "desktop buddies": There are shimeji and ghosts/ukagakas and I'm planning on making a big list of some of those from both categories that I like at some point. So what's a desktop buddy? Well it's a little character that you turn on and then it chills on your desktop.

So let's start with shimeji: Basically these are little characters that don't talk but they basically free roam at the edges of your screen. You can toss them around, some of them can move non-maximised windows around, some even cling onto your cursor. They are active, fun and do a lot of stuff on their own which makes them perfect for me when I'm doing something like writing an essay or something for school and want some visual interest while I write and think without needing to read anything. They're also super easy to set up (you can basically run most of them on their own just by having Java installed, opening the .zip they come in and executing the program and if you just look up shimeji there's some really good tutorials) and there is a shimeji for basically every character in every larger fandom if you go looking for them (seriously, especially if you're an undertale fan there are a lot even with different AU versions). There are even shimeji apps for android.

And then there are ghosts. Ghosts or ukagakas are a lot more complex than shimeji. They can be basically whatever their creator wants them to be. They have dialogue, a lot of them have story lines with relationship mechanics, they can do simple tasks on your computer like executing programs or resetting the time, some can interact with other active ghotsts, some even have multiple outfits and a lot of them change on certain holidays. There aren't a lot of english ghosts, most are japanese, but there is a great wiki if you want to see what's out there. They also need a program to run on called ssp which is largely in japanese (you can set the menus to english though) but the program itself is really lightweight and there are also really good tutorials on how to set up your ghost. The one I'm currently running the most (even as I'm writing this) is the Handplates AU Gaster by zarla-s on tumblr which has a really nice and simple tutorial on the tumblr post with the download link and great writing, I highly recommend it. Anyway, I do love the concept of ghosts just because they're so interactive. I'm stuck at home for the most part and it's just nice to have a little presence (even if it's just a well written fictional character) while I'm waiting for my friends to finish school/work and be online again. Personally, I can't run ghosts while doing school work (or at least I have to disable automatic dialogue) because I find the text pop ups too distracting.

So yeah, I've been having a lot of fun with these little bastards, maybe you'll be inspired to look into them yourself too. I've been toying around with the idea of making a shimeji of Vex (our possum boi and website mascot). I'd look into making a ghost but I currently don't have the brain space to look into how to code those so that might be a project for the "maybe some day" pile. Idk, we'll see. I hope all of you are having a good week, it's good to be back. The list of shimeji and ghosts I've enjoyed will come some time soon, probably linked under the anarchy article on the main page.<3

11th of January 2024

10 pm on a thursday evening, what better time to ramble semi-coherently? I kind of want to talk about the healthcare system because oh my fucking gods, it's not equipped to really handle chronic illness. Now I have american friends, so when I tell them that being chronically ill is fucking expensive, they usually point out that germany has state healthcare so it can't be that bad, right? Good joke. Now doctor's visits are covered, yes, and prescription meds are as well, however here's a non comprehensive list of what's not covered: Heating pads, over the counter meds, off label meds (which is almost all of mine), supplements, melatonin, my crutches (because I only got prescribed a wheelchair), more than 2 pairs of compression socks a year (if they rip or something), compression socks that don't look like absolute shit, cool packs, compression gloves, the vagus stimulator I'm supposed to use twice daily, I could go on but I think you get the gist. So it's expensive. Sucks, but that'd be okay if it wasn't for the other issues.

The other big issue is that doctors don't often notice chronic illnesses that aren't blatantly obvious and the fact that they're not trained to deal with chronically ill patients. They're used to accute illnesses where you prescribe some medicine or whatever and it gets better. So if it's symptom management because the illness is long term and/or incurable? Well sucks for you I guess. Listening to your patients who have most likely spent ages figuring out how to deal with their symptoms because they spent ages trying to get diagnosed? No. Just give the most basic advice and refuse to prescribe anything that might help because "DrUg SeEkInG bEhAvIoUr!!!" and "well you don't look like you're at an 8 on the pain scale." I am going to fucking scream.

18th of December 2023

So I uh, let's talk about why I'm doing this and why I'm honestly pretty passionate about this whole indie web/ peripheral web thingy. Because sure, I know, this isn't going to change the internet, it won't change the world, I'm fully aware that I, as one chronically ill trans dude, am probably not going to make a huge impact on the world. I may be an idealist, however I'm not stupid enough to think I'm the perfect human being, the perfect activist or whatever the fuck else. I'm a guy who has some opinions on politics and social and economical issues, not a magical change-the-world-o-matic, but fuck's sake a man can dream. And a man (or anyone, really) can at least make small steps in the right direction. Like becoming part of the peripheral web, learning about where the fuck your data goes (I know the terms are terrible to read, yes, I just scroll to the end too most of the time), trying to reclaim some agency, learning how the internet (the maginificent and terrible thing that it is) ticks, doing local, activist-y things and that kind of shit. And if we're looking at all the things you can do, honestly this is one of the cooler ones. You can do it from your couch, it has a very low barrier of entry (like seriously, learning html has never been this easy, even if you don't have a local nerd kid on speed dial) and it's such a great way to express yourself. Just browse sites on neocities or click through a webring for a bit, you'll find a lot of really cool stuff, fan shrines, adorable sites dedicated to partners or pets, games and a bunch of stuff I'd like to do one day that's wayyy beyond my html, css and java prowess.

These days the internet is owned by really few large cooperations that own pretty much all of our data and, sure, you could argue that "oh, it's pointless anyway", sure, but you can take that doomer attitude and shove it up your ass. Sure, they may have all of our data already, but we don't need to throw even more down their throats. You don't need to have an alexa, you don't need to have your google assistant listen to you sleep, you don't need to pay for six overpriced streaming services only to find out that your favourite show isn't available in your country and then pay for a vpn. I'm by no means perfect, I spend way too much time on tiktok, I watch youtube video essays while I write, my school work is done over microsoft teams, i occasionally order from amazon. I am not perfect. Nobody is. And that's fine. It's perfectly fine to not be perfect. However I'm firmly convinced that there is no way to change the world that doesn't involve at least cutting down on this shit. Boycotts, unions, strikes, protests, there are a lot of things we can do. We can't do them alone, it always takes a group, but groups can be found and founded and we have to start somewhere.

So. Indie web. This website isn't a fix to anything. Instead it is a statement. That statement goes as follows: There are alternatives, there are different ways of doing things. Large cooperations and billionaires suck, so come on down, make yourself at home, lets get out the guillotines, cook the rich into a stew to feed the poor, make art without ai, be gay, do crime, shoplift from the largest grocery chain you can find, punch nazis, misgender terfs, hack your 3ds and pirate that show you want to watch. The internet is a magnificent and terrifying beast, let's make it better.

17th of December 2023

Alright, first entry. So I finally polished the site a bit, thank gods because it looked horrible so far. But hey, I finally had the brain space for the first time in weeks (thanks, long covid). So yeah. Also I got covid again because of course I did so I spent the entire last week basically just sleeping. But hey it's a bit better today and I hyperfixated and made this so let's hope I won't crash. Woo